“Well . . . Nathan,” she begins, trying to sound sexy, “Can you remember what you and Belinda gave me for my eighteenth?” She is a bad actress...and I almost cringe.He shrugs his shoulder and takes another swig of beer.She walks closer. “Think hard,” she says, beginning to loosen the belt of her robe. “It was something for me to wear.” He has not yet sussed out what is happening but is starting to realise things are not as they usually are. I think of him as a carnivore at rest unexpectedly. Gramps eventually went back to reading. As soon as I was done I said I was going over to Johns and left the kitchen. I got dressed and then left the house, but I didn't go to John's.That's because it was seven-thirty on a Sunday morning.There were some woods over behind the grocery store. I had to cross the railroad tracks to get there, and there was trash of all kinds scattered all over the place. Some of it was interesting, but most was just trash. Then, when I got into the woods, there were. Where's your condom? You don't have one? Then no way Bobby! What!I've got one in my purse? How do you know that? Oh, Grandma told you.Well let's just get this over with." Oh gawd! This is awful. Hold still Bobby. I'm trying to get this thingwrapped all the way down. You know you could have put it on yourself.Alright, alright all ready. I haven't done this before at least not forsomeone else. Yeah I know. Do it just like a girl. Shit! Here goes. Ughit tastes awful. Rubber and oil icky tasting. Which just goes to show that married bliss isn't all anniversary gifts, Stepford Wife smiles and secret sojourns at the Watergate Hotel. So let's hope we can find something more appealing in the next letter. Dear Plump Clump My wife wants to dress up like a cheerleader for me, but I was a nerd in school and I'm afraid she'll get some jock to trap me in a locker. What should I do? Dynamic Napoleon Dear NappiesWhat could possibly be sexier than a bit of maturing, spousal flesh squeezed into a.
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